29-year-old refuses to come to Thanksgiving this year because he and his partner don’t want to do the dishes: ‘We are the only people ever expected to help’

Author image for Ben Weiss
Ben Weiss • Writer and Editor
Nov 15, 2025 2:00 PM EST

There are several reasons why gathering for the Thanksgiving holiday can be a stressful endeavor.

For this author, the problem was neither the travel logistics nor preparation for the meal itself. It wasn't even about the usual tense family dynamics. It was about who would inevitably be doing all the dishes.

Yes, sounds like a silly reason to stir up a fuss, and that's because it is. Still, when you hear the author explain his side of the story, it makes more sense. This guy and his partner are always forced to be the only people to do dish duty, which can be a ton of work when an entire extended family has gathered for a meal.

Sure, they are usually guests who should be put to work in some way, but none of the author's cousins, all of whom are now are fully grown adults, are ever asked to help out. Instead, they get to go and play in the hot tub after dinner year after year.

This time around, the author was anticipating the same treatment and decided that rather address the situation head-on, he would prefer to skip out on the holiday gathering entirely. Obviously, at the end of the day, it's his choice, but some folks believe that there must be a better compromise here.

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  • 01
    A person begins to slice a cooked turkey in a home kitchen.
    via Claudio Schwarz

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • Look, the author and his partner should be able to spend Thanksgiving however they want. If that means not doing dishes for hours on end while others lounge in the hot tub, that’s honestly more than understandable. Maybe for Christmas, his parents can consider investing in a proper dishwasher.

  • 02

    "[Am I wrong] for not going to Thanksgiving over the dishes?"

    This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. I (29M) live in the United States but my stepmom is Canadian and her mom always comes down from BC for the weekend to celebrate with a feast for my mostly American family.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 03
    To be honest, my "step- grandma"'s cooking is not good. And she is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 04
    Every year she makes such a big deal about how much work she put into her bland ass food and expects endless praise for her efforts. But I digress.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 05
    Every year at Canadian Thanksgiving, my husband and I are asked to do the dishes. It's fine, we don't mind it. But the hard part is that we are guests, and we are the only people ever expected to help. At first
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 06
    it was like "Okay we are the youngest, so that's why." but in the past few years, my stepmom's nieces and nephews, all
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 07
    in their early 20s, were there and after dinner went in the hot tub. Meanwhile, if I'm playing with my nephew I don't get to see much, I hear from the kitchen my step- grandma say loudly "if
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 08
    only someone would help me with the dishes" and of course my dad comes over and says "Hey can you guys help her with the dishes". I'm just sick of being the only ones. expected to help.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 09
    This is our second year living in a different city and about a month ago they asked if I was coming. I told them I wasn't sure and later told them I wasn't. They
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 10
    offered to pay for our flights and I still said I couldn't make it. Made up an excuse. But really it's the dishes. Again, don't mind doing them, just sick of being the only people expected to help
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 11
    people expected to help out while everyone else is socialize and hang in the hot tub.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 12
    I have talked to my brothers (both older) and one agrees with me and the other thinks that's a stupid reason. So I am wondering, am I the asshole?
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 13
    A man washes dishes in a kitchen sink
    via Unsplash+ (Sandra Seitamaa)

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 14
    OP rob-her-dinero Thank you! We might just do this next year
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 15
    Kaynico Info: why not just say no to your dad? It sounds like from your post that he's the one targettting you guys. Why deprive yourself of seeing your nephew and the rest of your family instead of just saying "not this time, dad, we've been pulling the weight of doing the dishes while the rest of the family gets to relax. It's someone else's turn." Edit: judgement NTA. OP response seems like it just didn't cross their mind to be able to say no....
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 16
    OP rob-her-dinero Thank you for the support! I was not expecting this much engagement but I appreciate the feedback, encouragement, and support. Some more info to clear things up: My step-mom has no children, and we are all my dad's kids from his previous marriage. My oldest brother (the one who understands me not wanting to come) is busy with a 3-year-old and a wife who usually gets pretty drunk. He has his own issues with my parents and how they don't help out with their grandson even when the
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 17
    Tanuk-E- NTA. Shame on your siblings for not offering to help. It's fine to help out every once in a while but for you guys to be the cleanup squad each time? Not cool and y'all are being taken advantage. And shame on your step-grandma for making bland food.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 18
    [deleted] Exactly. Just say "Last year was our turn, this year its someone else's." And then keep doing whatever it you're doing.
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 19
    INFO StAlvis > of course my dad comes over and says "Hey can you guys help her with the dishes". And you're unfamiliar with the words "no thank you," or...? > I'm just sick of being the only ones expected to help. Just stop saying "yes?"
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 20
    VernonDent Are your hands broken, Dad?
    via rob-her-dinero
  • 21
    A cooked turkey sitting in an open oven with the light on.
    via Ashim D’Silva

    Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

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family drama aita thanksgiving family feud entitled people karma family happy thanksgiving entitled people
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